This is one of the things I have felt over the past couple months.
Have you ever had a moment of completely paralyzing fear? Fear so huge you can taste it. Fear so huge you are unsure of how it is possible that any greater power out there could possibly entertain that you are capable of handling what you have indeed, just been handed. It makes your heart race, crushes you to tears, makes your mind a clatter so loud it is hard to hear your own voice.
I have felt this too, these past few months.
For those that have not yet heard, two months ago I found a lump in my neck. A large lump. On my thyroid. I have had all sorts of testing and though I now know that it is around 5cm in diameter (just bigger than a golf ball), I still have a couple weeks and a biopsy to face before knowing if it is malignant.
Just typing the "m" word makes me nauseous.
I had kept this very quiet for a while for a multitude of reasons...fear and denial (if you say it out loud, it is really there), a need for quiet space to process (if I don't say anything, no one will ask and I can assess my new reality), hope that it would be "nothing" and could be healed before anyone needed to know (sadly I cannot quote Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop just yet).
So why am I sharing this with you now? Again, many reasons.
On the business front, it may affect you. I am making choices differently right now as I try to prepare my body and soul for battle and for healing. Surgery is inevitable, malignant or not. And it is coming soon. I need to know I am ready. For that, instead of staying up late to answer emails as I would in the past, I have chosen to close my computer and rest. Instead of ensuring I hit every deadline to everyone as often as physically possible, I have committed to rolling out my mat everyday and taking time to create strength and peace within myself.
As challenging as it is for me to ask my perfectionist to take a little time out, this is what I need to do right now...and feel that it is important that I am honest with you as to why.
On a community front, I know I am not alone in this. I have spent too many laps at the Canadian Cancer Society Relay for Life to think otherwise. I know there are many others out there waiting for results, just finding the lump (doesn't matter where, in my opinion...it's all terrifying!), with results in hand preparing for the next stage of battle...and I want anyone out there who is reading this feeling terrified, feeling optimistic, feeling angry, feeling small, feeling alone, feeling nauseous...feeling whatever you are feeling in this moment (and anything you are feeling with this is perfectly aloud!!!) to feel my heart reaching through the screen to you...we are together in this fight. Whatever it is we are facing, we will kick its ass. Period.
And how do I know this?
Because I am stronger than I have ever been before. Because I am stronger than I ever thought possible. And because you are too.